Article generated using the Memento Vivere app, reviewed and commented on by Marty Paukstys. It's grounded solely in the works of Epictetus, Seneca and Marcus Aurelius. For informational purposes only. Not a substitute for professional advice.
It's completely understandable to feel the profound weight of grief; it's a deeply human experience, and acknowledging that sorrow is the first step. Stoicism, while not denying the initial sting of loss, offers a powerful framework to navigate these difficult emotions, helping us to find a path toward peace.
At its heart, Stoicism teaches that while it's natural to feel sorrow, it's unwise to let it become excessive or performative (Seneca, Moral Letters to Lucilius, Chapter 63). It encourages us to practice moderation even in sorrow, finding a dignified way to grieve that avoids overwhelming emotion (Seneca, Moral Letters to Lucilius, Chapter 99).
A core Stoic insight is that our emotional pain doesn't come directly from the loss itself, but rather from our judgments and beliefs about that loss (Seneca, Moral Letters to Lucilius, Chapter 42). As Epictetus advises, “When therefore we are hindered, or disturbed, or grieved, let us never attribute it to others, but to ourselves; that is, to our own principles”(Epictetus, The Enchiridion, Chapter 5). Marcus Aurelius echoes this, noting that our anger and grief often cause us more suffering than the actions or events that provoked them (Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book 11). It's also important to distinguish between genuine, natural grief and performative sorrow, avoiding the temptation to augment sadness to conform to social expectations, as “The display of grief makes more demands than grief itself: how few men are sad in their own company!”(Seneca, Moral Letters to Lucilius, Chapter 99).
To deal with grief, Stoicism proposes several mindful approaches:
Proactive Engagement: Instead of passively waiting for grief to subside, Stoicism encourages us to proactively end our sorrow. Seneca suggests, “The most shameful cure for sorrow, in the case of a sensible man, is to grow weary of sorrowing. I should prefer you to abandon grief, rather than have grief abandon you”(Seneca, Moral Letters to Lucilius, Chapter 63).
Shift to Gratitude: When faced with loss, a powerful practice is to shift your focus from what is gone to gratitude for the time you had it (Seneca, Moral Letters to Lucilius, Chapter 98).
Reframe Memories: Actively work to reframe the memory of lost loved ones from a source of pain into one of pleasant recollection (Seneca, Moral Letters to Lucilius, Chapter 63).
Accept Impermanence: Regularly reflect on the impermanent and general nature of all things and people you love. This helps to prepare you for inevitable loss and avoid distress (Epictetus, The Enchiridion, Chapter 3). Accepting the inevitable, including the loss of people and possessions, without complaint is key, as suffering comes from the mistaken belief that things should be otherwise (Epictetus, The Discourses, Book 4, Chapter 10).
Focus on What's Within Your Control: Direct your energy to managing your own sorrow, which is within your power, rather than attempting to control the sorrow of others or external events (Epictetus, The Discourses, Book 3, Chapter 24).
Ultimately, Stoicism doesn't ask us to be emotionless, but to understand our emotions and guide them with reason, recognizing that our response to loss is largely within our control.
Key passages
1
Seneca · Moral Letters to Lucilius · Letter 63
“The most shameful cure for sorrow, in the case of a sensible man, is to grow weary of sorrowing. I should prefer you to abandon grief, rather than have grief abandon you.”
2
Seneca · Moral Letters to Lucilius · Letter 99
“The display of grief makes more demands than grief itself: how few men are sad in their own company!”
3
Epictetus · The Enchiridion · Chapter 5
“When therefore we are hindered, or disturbed, or grieved, let us never attribute it to others, but to ourselves; that is, to our own principles.”
App author’s personal take
As I discussed in Stoicism on Emotions, it's a common misconception that Stoicism's goal is to kill our emotions and make us robots. That's very far from the truth.
What Stoicism does is makes us acknowledge our emotions, and then gives us a rational framework to deal with them. Or, better yet, advises to train ourselves for the inevitable, such as our family members', and even our own, death.
For example, Seneca urges to consciously put an end to our grief and sorrow, as opposed to waiting till it subsides on its own. He did not say not to grieve. He advised not to be consumed by grief for too long.
Epictetus had ideas on how to prepare for the death of our family members: every time we kiss them, tell yourself you are kissing a mortal. It may sound like a clear path to depression - who wants to kiss their loved ones and think about their death? But if you simply train yourself to treat everything - and everyone - as "on the loan" (another term from Epictetus), and look at it as a simple fact of life, without overthinking about how it would make us feel, there is nothing depressing about it.
A couple of parallels from Stephen King's work come to my mind regarding Stoicism and grief, sorrow, and emotions in general:
STOP READING HERE IF YOU ARE, OR PLANNING ON, READING STEPHEN KING'S "The Dark Tower" saga! If you don't care about that, then feel free to go on.
1. Roland of Gilead, one of the most memorable characters from Stephen King's repertoire, was a Stoic. Always doing the right thing. Except that he forgot one thing, which Stoics do not teach to do: that he is a human being. His "punishment" for it was an endless journey through life. Repetitive, identical, and never ending. No peace for Roland. Ever. Until he acknowledges he is a human being.
2. In one of his short stories, aliens visiting Earth said that emotions were useless, and they don't have them.
Perhaps that's why they are ...aliens?
In the end, Stoicism isn’t about being emotionless aliens. It reminds us that our emotions serve us best when guided by reason.
About the author
Marty Paukstys is a parent, business owner, and data enthusiast who approaches philosophy the way he approaches work and family life - with curiosity, discipline, and a sense of humor about his own flaws. Memento Vivere started out of curiosity about whether modern technology can have a place in something as complex and ambiguous as philosophy, and to serve as a personal study tool.
